Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Newer: Shades of Gray

For those of you who stumbled upon this blog in the hopes of finding a sequel to the bestselling novel Shades of Grey sorry.  That's not what purpose of this blog, but stay awhile.  You are most welcome.

This morning as I gazed out the window with my morning coffee in hand I began to review where I was 10 years ago versus the present tense.  Fortunately, the comparison held few regrets.  Of course, I dearly miss my husband.  The career much missed taught me many lessons.  The people I worked with beyond a shadow of a doubt were the best in the business.  My analysis continued to take a strange turn.  It wasn't about what happened around me, but rather what happened within me.

Did I seek some sort of startling outcome?  Did I discover a turn in the road that would have changed my life's course?  I have to admit early on in my work life black and white suited me just find.  I was the quintisential rules girl.  By the book or else.  I held onto facts, figures (which is hard to do since I'm so math-challenged) and other folks' rules so tightly that I'm lucky I didn't break in two.  Yet, I wouldn't describe myself as rigid or I just didn't want to see myself as rigid?  Did I suck the joy out of my own life by neglecting to look at it?  Maybe.

Today, without any shadow of a doubt, I'm in the gray (or grey).  The events of the last ten years have shaken me to my roots.  I'm lucky I didn't snap.  Really snap.  My decor would have called "Early Goodyear" for the rubber-covered walls.  My life now centers on the spirit within.  That feeling that a Great Source loves me and I, in turn, love that Source back.  I live in a fluid world, but not one where those changes occur on the outside.  My life is no longer a spectator sport.  It's an active being trying to figure things out armed with hope and belief, which are subject to change.

Going forward some shades of gray are going to be darker, but if I keep my face toward the lighter shades with the faith and the strength I believe I inherited from my mother and father, my roots will seek deeper soil and my limbs stretch toward the light that contains more love than the world can fathom.

Maybe in this life as a care giver, I'm learning to be a care receiver.  Hmmm.

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