Truth be told I've been doing personal writing in order to sort through my feelings concerning the events of 2013. I haven't re-read the diary, but the emotions described on those pages are raw and, at times, scary. However, the pages have been therapeutic. They've been a vehicle to self-discovery. They revealed a wounded heart that's been ignored for far too long. It's time to begin to heal from the inside out, rather than ignoring those parts that are still bleeding.
In order to do so, I had to cull through the emotions with a critical eye in order to stitch together a better life in the New Year. Here are the things I've leaving behind in 2013:
- Over-whelming self-doubt: Let's be honest here. I'll always carry a bit in my back pocket, but there's enough in this house to sink a battleship or the Queen Mary.
- Hyper-self criticism: Truly, the weeds in the garden of growth. It'll take me over if I don't do a thorough weeding.
- Fear: If I have faith, then there's no room for fear. My life up to this point, especially the past five years, have been a testament to faith.
There are seeds and seedlings I'm taking with me into 2014. Whether they grow or not is anyone's guess, but here we go:
- Determination: No matter what these eyes are going to be trained on achieving those goals toward a better life.
- Self-acceptance: OK, so I'm not going to leap tall buildings in a single bound as Superman/Superwoman. That's OK. My luck when I reached the summit they'd be a huge chunk of Kryptonite smashing me to the ground. There are better writers, but at the end of the day, that's what I love. There are better knitters, but that's what I love. Ditto gardeners. It's what's important to me. I truly believe I'm a throw-back to another place and time, but whose crafts apply to this crazy modern world.
- Learning: Push the boundaries outward learning more about those things I love and try other things to see if I love them as well.
- Loving: Love does make the world go around. Loving adds fuel to the fire of achievement, production and purpose. One thing I know about my purpose on earth (still haven't figured out the rest) is that I am here to love.
In closing, it's important to carry my heartfelt gratitude from year to year:
- My parents: Wherever you are, know I gave it my best shot. It has been my honor to know, love, and care for you until the end. You passed in a house of love that you busted your humps to hold onto to every single shingle.
- My husband: A dozen years ago you left this world, but I love you and miss you more than you know.
- My friends: Oh, how do I thank these people who walked through the fire with me? Those folks who put their own problems aside to listen, to act, to love unconditionally? I'll never be able to express my appreciation, except to say "thank you". Will they ever feel the depth of gratitude behind those words? I hope so.
- Dickens: Just last year I felt as if I'd complicated my life (and not in a good way) by bringing home a puppy, even for all the right reasons. Despite all the problems, you've taught me so much. You've turned into a real life saver and helped me to listen to my life. Treats for you tonight, my friend.
- Amelia Luna Diva: My 10 month old, jet black feral cat who arrived this past Halloween. In two months we've made some progress. You are facing your fears and I'm facing mine. We are indeed strangers in a strange land. Together we just might learn to trust each other and ourselves. The definition of rehabilitation, I guess.
And to you all, I wish you a Happy New Year! I hope that you achieve all you dream and your passions guide you throughout the year.
Love. Dream. Act.